To say the holidays can be stressful is an understatement. Add some inevitable family drama, and the season can quickly become more manic than merry.

“We can really miss the entire season when we get caught up in the gotta-get-done list,” says Heather Cameron, founder of +focus mindspace, a meditation studio in Toronto. During life’s busiest and most uncertain times, tools like mindfulness are needed more than ever, she says. But, ironically, it’s when self-care tends to fall off the to-do list.

“When we’re super-busy, we need to think about doubling up on practice rather than skipping it,” says Cameron. And if you’re new to mindfulness and meditation, you’ve picked the perfect time to get started. “A mindfulness and meditation practice helps put us in the present moment so that we can experience the holidays rather than just survive them,” she says.

Here are three ways that mindfulness can help you through the holidays and into the new year.

(Related: How Mindfulness Can Ward Off Stress)

1. Download the drama

As we all know, the holidays can be an emotional roller coaster. For many people, the season is marked by some of the highest highs and the lowest lows. It’s a time for reflection on the past and big dreams for the future, and both can cause a lot of anxiety, fear and sadness. Mindfulness and meditation can help with all the ups and downs. “One of the things these practices can help with is emotional regulation,” says Cameron. This relates to an overall feeling about the season, and it can get you through some of those sticky situations, too. Whether it’s a super tense dinner starring feuding relatives or an awkward phone conversation with an inebriated aunt, a little built-in chill goes a long way. “You learn to find that pause between stimulus and reaction,” she says. It’s the ability to step back, reflect and respond as your best self, she says. “And in family dynamics,” says Cameron, “that’s key.”

2. Let go of unrealistic expectations

The pursuit of perfection is a trap for many of us. Whether it’s the perfect family photo, perfectly cooked dinner or perfectly wrapped gift, we tend to set ourselves up for failure—and loads of stress—with unrealistic expectations for creating joyful moments and lasting memories. This year, in particular, there may be pressure to make the holidays feel the same (or even extra special), despite celebrations being smaller and physically distanced. Mindfulness can help us reframe how we approach our holiday time and allow us to let go a little, says Cameron. “It’s that little bit of space to accept things for the way they are rather than wish they were different,” she says.

A mindfulness practice can also help you keep tabs on a runaway calendar and never-ending to-do list. “It’s being able to look at everything you have to do and assess whether or not it’s having an impact on your life,” she says. Is it nice to have or does it have to be done? Or is it something you think you have to do, like bake five kinds of shortbread when you don’t even like shortbread? (Hint: If it’s not bringing you joy, don’t do it!)

3. Enjoy all the moments

When asked, almost all of us say that the holidays are about family. But when it comes right down to it, we often find ourselves too hurried, stressed or focused on filling our social media feeds with images of holiday bliss to enjoy the time we have together. Coming back to the mindfulness principle of being present in the moment can be incredibly helpful, says Cameron. At your celebration (even if it’s virtual), stop and immerse yourself in what your aunt or grandfather has to say and forget about making everything perfect. “It’s a time for connection,” she says. “You want to make sure you’re connecting.”

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In the 1980s and mid-1990s, few people were apologizing for their ignorant, often misguided, and cruel responses to the growing AIDS pandemic. My dad learned of his infection in December of 1985 when, eight months after his surgery, a public health official identified the blood he’d been given as contaminated, and his doctors tested him to confirm the disastrous news. We lived then in a frightened society. A society that largely believed that people diagnosed with HIV were responsible for their own infection.

The early days of the HIV/AIDs crisis

In a feature piece in the fall of 1985, Time magazine called people with AIDS “The New Untouchables.” Inconsistent and conflicting messages of how HIV spread made people afraid of even coming into contact with someone infected with the virus. When one child in a New York City school was identified as having AIDS, crowds of parents picketed the streets of New York wearing shirts reading: No AIDS in Our Schools and called on the city to pass legislation banning the child admission. In an op-ed for the New York Times, commentator William F. Buckley, Jr. called for all HIV-positive persons to be branded, saying, “Everyone detected with AIDS should be tattooed.” In Canada, members of groups with names like “Citizens Demanding the Right to Know” spoke in public forums and accused medical experts of hiding the truth about the disease.

Officials from the Canadian government’s health department debated protective measures as radical as publicly identifying all individuals who tested positive for HIV and enforcing mandatory quarantines to protect the general population. Many people known to be HIV positive or have AIDS were fired by their employers, evicted by their landlords, and shunned by their neighbors. Because of systemic inequities in community structures and healthcare, and the exclusion of Black voices from the public conversations and education initiatives, communities of color faced disproportionate infection rates. And since that time, those disparities have only deepened.

Religion and the AIDs epidemic in Canada

And then there were those who claimed AIDS as a weapon of God’s wrath. The evangelical Christian right was one of the loudest voices of discrimination in the 1980s. Jerry Falwell, an influential Southern Baptist preacher, televangelist, and founder of the Moral Majority, which was a political action group associated with the Republican Party whose agenda reflected fundamentalist Christian concepts of morality, declared, “AIDS is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals; it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.” Conservative commentator Pat Buchanan, a close advisor to President Reagan, called AIDS “Nature’s revenge on homosexuals.”

This message of hatred and intolerance trickled down and established a church culture where those infected with HIV, condemned for bringing on
their own demise, were not only unwelcome, they were also denied the care and compassion that Christianity ardently preached. Elements of this harmful theology played a considerable role in shaping my family’s isolated trajectory. As a devout Christian, my father struggled to reconcile his situation with society’s and the evangelical church’s perceptions of his disease and its causes. He’d grown up in a fundamentalist church tradition that believed homosexuality was a sinful lifestyle choice. The homophobia that sprouted from that belief was fixed in him. As a young girl, I took that belief for granted because I knew nothing else.

Throughout my childhood, I learned from him and that same church tradition, the faith platitude, “Love the sinner; hate the sin,” that conveniently allowed me and other Christians I knew to pass judgment (under the guise of “Christian love”) on members of the LGBTQ+ community. My father’s implicit and explicit messages about homosexuality—including a tendency to indelicately point out the friends in my brothers’ circles who he concluded were “homos”— amplified in our household the shame and deviance that many in the 1980s mainstream culture already associated with the gay community. Meanwhile, my heart hurts for my brother David who, for eighteen years, lived closeted in that environment, unable to find safe space to be himself amidst these barriers.

My dad’s experience with HIV

My family’s social network was insular, making it easy to diminish and condemn a group that felt far-removed from our lives. Even when the reality of my dad’s HIV status had the potential to bridge that separation, he could not acknowledge the connection because he was entrenched in the mindset of the religious institutions that blamed the gay community for the spread of HIV. As a result of delayed and apathetic public and government response to the disease, support mechanisms for people living with HIV/AIDS were established almost exclusively by activists within the gay community. These mechanisms seemed beyond my father’s reach, and any nod in the direction of their activism antithetical to his religious upbringing. His prejudice also fueled his fears that his personal reputation was at risk. What if people believed he was gay?

In the twenty-plus years since David came out to our family, I’ve watched my mother’s beliefs about homosexuality pivot far away from the fundamentalist views she and my father espoused when I was younger, as her experience and understanding has broadened.

I’d like to think Dad would be different today, too, but the chance to know was taken from us before his evolution had the opportunity to begin. I do know that when he received his diagnosis, Dad saw AIDS and all of its associations as threats to everything he valued. Even though he was an accomplished physician, Dad felt disempowered by the limitations of his and the greater health system’s knowledge about the facts of HIV. AIDS was a mystery.

Staying silent

The only certainties were that the disease spread at a rapid rate and there was no cure. He expected that, like most patients he knew or knew about, he could die at any time, in any number of terrible ways. He was unwilling to chance infecting his patients, and he made the painful choice to end his medical practice, taking an advisory position in a national medical legal association. He refused to allow his family to endure any form of ostracism because of his HIV status.

His illness would be a secret from almost everyone. A secret we’d all keep. We didn’t know that Dad would live past that first year, or for the next ten years. And we didn’t know that long after the secret was exposed, we’d continue to carry its silence.

Excerpted from A Hard Silence,by Melanie Books. Copyright 2023. Published by Vine Leaves Press. Reproduced by arrangement with the Publisher. All rights reserved. 

$37, amazon.ca 

Melanie Brooks A Hard Silence

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When you think of sexual satisfaction, you probably think of being happily coupled. But not every aspect of your sexual life requires a partner. Masturbation is an important part of a healthy sexual life and it’s also good for you. Judith Golden, a registered sex therapist in Toronto, explains how a little alone time can go a long way.

(Related: Your Vibrator Shopping Guide)

1. Masturbation relieves stress

If stress is starting to pile up, it might be smart to take a time-out. Masturbation allows you to focus on one thing, Golden says, which can help you relax.  “As we think about sex in any form, dopamine, a chemical released by the brain that gives us a sense of pleasure, is released,” she explains. “As we engage in sexual activity, another chemical, endorphins, is released. Endorphins give us a sense of well-being.” Just be careful not to rely on masturbation as an escape from stress, Golden adds, because it’s through that reliance that an addiction can form. But the occasional solo roll in the hay can help make a bad day a little (or a lot) better.

2. Masturbation eases menstrual cramps

That particular time of the month is not usually associated with feeling good, but masturbation can help make the worst of it more endurable. “The strength and intensity of an orgasm can relieve cramps,” says Golden. “And the hormones released during sexual excitement can also help.” But remember that it’s not necessarily the same for everyone. “Sometimes the muscle contractions can also intensify the cramping feeling,” Golden warns. Experiment, listen to your body and do what feels right for you.

3. Masturbation puts you in touch with your sexuality

If you’ve never understood why everyone makes such a big deal about sex, this might be a good place to start. “Sex therapists strongly recommend that women who have not had an orgasm begin by pleasuring themselves,” says Golden. “This puts them in touch with the genital pleasure that they like.” The safe, controlled situation allows women to determine not only what they enjoy, but also what they may have feared.

4. Masturbation can help you achieve orgasm during intercourse

If you find it difficult to achieve sexual satisfaction with a partner, you should first work on finding it on your own. “Regular masturbation will teach you how your body responds sexually,” explains Golden. Being able to communicate your findings to a partner will allow him or her to please you in the way that works for you. However, Golden does warn that the way you masturbate can work against this goal. “If there is excessive reliance on pornography, or if masturbation is done with rough materials or face down on a surface, it becomes harder to duplicate this with a partner.”

5. Masturbation keeps your motor running

Golden confirms our worst fear: “The old expression, ‘if you don’t use it, you lose it,’ is true.” In the end, it comes down to a simple bit of science. “In order to be able to function sexually we need a supply of nitric oxide in our blood. Sexual activity in any form maintains levels of this chemical,” she explains. A prolonged dry spell can make it more difficult to achieve erections or lubrication. But if it’s been a while, fear not! “It is possible, with some time, to promote this chemical again and restore functioning,” Golden says.

6. Masturbation can help with insomnia

If you find yourself stuck in bed watching the late night hours slowly become the early morning, it could be time to try a new sleep aid. “Just as people fall into a deep sleep after sex with a partner, because blood pressure is lowered and relaxation is increased through the release of endorphins, masturbation is a good sleeping pill,” says Golden. “It is relied on by many as a nightly occurrence.” Well, there’s no denying that it sounds more appealing than a glass of warm milk. Sweet dreams.

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If you have anxiety, you’re definitely not alone, although you probably feel pretty isolated. This common condition, which can cause everything from panic attacks to intrusive thoughts to complete avoidance of everyday activities, can be successfully treated. Here’s what you need to know about anxiety and getting the help you need for yourself or a loved one.

(Related: How Mental Illness Shapes Our Identities)

What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is a feeling of fear, which everyone has from time to time, and an expression of your natural “fight or flight” response to danger. What’s the difference between anxiety and an anxiety disorder? Anxiety in response to an actual threat (there’s a tornado heading to your town, or you’re nervous about a test) is healthy, not a disease. Anxiety in response to imagined threats (you feel like everyone is mocking you, or you shake uncontrollably when the phone rings) is considered a mental health condition. Most cases exist on a spectrum. For example, it’s normal to be concerned if your boss asks you to be more responsive to emails, but if you’re prone to anxiety, you might overreact and assume you’re about to be fired. Anxiety-related issues that are persistent and interrupt your ability to live your daily life are considered a cause for concern.

Generalized anxiety disorder, sometimes called clinical anxiety, is one of the most common psychiatric disorders, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, affecting nearly 3 percent of the general population and twice as many women as men. While experts agree anxiety disorders are common, their true prevalence may be higher because people with anxiety don’t always seek help, and many doctors don’t make a formal diagnosis, especially since it often appears with other health conditions. Moreover, “anxiety disorders” is an umbrella term to describe many conditions, including social phobia and separation anxiety disorder and various phobias. “General” anxiety, while serious, often gets overshadowed by its more debilitating cousins.

What Are Anxiety Disorder Symptoms?

Symptoms of anxiety are uncomfortable and often interfere with normal functioning. Here are some signs you might have this condition.

  • Cognitive symptoms may include fear of losing control, fear of “going crazy,” frightening thoughts, poor concentration and memory, and difficulty speaking.
  • Physical symptoms may include sweating, racing heart, chest pain or pressure, shallow breathing, and upset stomach and diarrhea.
  • Behavioural symptoms may include avoidance of situations, restlessness, agitation, pacing, and hyperventilation.
  • Affective symptoms may include feeling nervous, tense, and frustrated.

Anxiety is getting a lot of attention these days because younger people are opening up about it. The median age of onset for all anxiety disorders is a tender 11 years, with prevalence rates highest in the 20s and 30s. While anyone at any age can develop an anxiety disorder, rates drop off in the 50s, and, even without treatment, most people are symptom-free after age 65.

How Is Anxiety Treated?

Despite this optimistic note, no one should wait until old age to get their anxiety under control. Generalized anxiety disorder is treatable and can be successfully managed with a combination of therapy, social support, medication, and other methods. Treatments include:

  • Therapy, especially cognitive behavioural therapy, which focuses on behaviour change, or exposure therapy, which can help people deal with irrational fears in a safe and controlled environment. These are considered highly effective for anxiety. You can find a therapist who practices these specific methods at the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.
  • Stress reduction methods, such as yoga, meditation, and mindfulness, have been shown to be effective in controlling symptoms of anxiety. Best of all, you can often practice these at home, at no cost.
  • Exercise is another free way to manage anxiety symptoms. Even a brief walk can boost mood and reduce stress.
  • Medications such as antidepressants for mood, mild tranquilizers to reduce panic, sleep aids, and beta-blockers to treat shaking and racing heart symptoms are all considered tools for managing symptoms, though they don’t treat the underlying causes. Learn more about the most common types of anxiety medications doctors prescribe.
  • Herbal supplements and natural remedies such as omega 3 fatty acids can also be helpful. With your doctor’s permission, you might consider trying one of these home remedies for natural anxiety relief.
  • CBD and other types of medical marijuana may take the edge off anxiety, though many doctors urge caution. Don’t turn to alcohol or recreational drugs, because they can lead to addiction and make your anxiety symptoms worse.

Whatever approach you take to managing your anxiety, have both a team and a plan. Engage mental health professionals, your doctors and pharmacists, and your family and loved ones, and get them working with you towards your specific health goals. For example, some people prefer not to take prescription medication, don’t have mental health coverage, or want to experiment with alternative approaches. These factors will influence the type of treatments you try. Communication is key: Let your doctor and pharmacist know if you are taking any natural remedies because these can interfere with prescription medications (“natural” doesn’t mean harmless). And while you may have the urge to hide your feelings, opening up to your caregivers can both educate and allow them to offer you the right support, especially on bad days or if you ever feel like harming yourself. If you or someone you know has had thoughts of self-harm or suicide, call or text 9-8-8, which provides 24/7, free, confidential support for people in distress.

Tips for Coping with Anxiety

So many things can contribute to anxiety, from your co-worker’s social media posts to just thinking about global warming. It’s also pretty common for anxiety to go hand-in-hand with other conditions. Fortunately, though, there are lots of different ways to quiet those pesky fears and nagging thoughts. Here are some that may help you.

  • Take a break. Anxiety makes you feel like you’re always running away from disaster. If you step back and take a breather, you’ll notice how smoothly the world spins without constant vigilance.
  • Stay nourished. Feeling anxious can ruin your appetite or trigger junk food binges, which can make you feel jittery or worse. Try eating more whole-food, plant-based or protein-packed meals and snacks to boost your energy and keep your blood sugar even.
  • Unplug. Social media is a proven source of anxiety for many people, but it can also help you stay connected. If you feel the need to go online, choose friendly, good-news sources and block those that make you feel more anxious.
  • Limit caffeine and alcohol. Stimulants can aggravate anxiety and—in large doses—even trigger panic attacks. Go for seltzer, decaf coffee or hot or iced herbal tea instead. (Be sure to limit these other anxiety-inducing foods, too.)
  • Get enough sleep. Anxiety can make it hard to sleep, and lack of sleep makes anxiety symptoms worse. Break that vicious cycle by avoiding caffeine and using simple tricks to get to sleep. If these don’t work, talk to your doctor about trying sleep medication.
  • Exercise. It’s worth repeating: Moving can help you burn energy and release soothing chemicals in your brain. Even a little bit helps.
  • Take deep breaths. Deep, diaphragmatic breathing may give you a more positive outlook. Try to make your inhales and exhales the same duration. Daily mindful breathing exercises have been shown to measurably reduce anxiety and depression symptoms.
  • Laugh! Ok, you’re not seeing much to chuckle about in life—or your anxiety. But try laughing at both and see how much better you feel.
  • Avoid triggers. If certain people or situations make you feel especially fearful or panicked, avoid them until you’re more in control. Not sure what’s really bothering you? Write in a journal or track your symptoms in an app.
  • Connect with others. Isolation is both a symptom of and a trigger for anxiety. Talk to your friends and family, even if you’re feeling overwhelmed, or consider joining a support group. Just being around people, even if you don’t feel like socializing, can defuse your symptoms.
  • There’s an app for that. Anxiety is prevalent among young people, so it’s no wonder many free apps and trackers are available to help people manage their symptoms and get access to care. Here are some that mental health experts recommend.

The Science of Anxiety

Anxiety disorders often hide in plain sight, because their symptoms are not necessarily pathological. After all, anxiety, worry, and panic are healthy responses to serious danger. Yet some people feel extreme anxiety in the absence of any threat. Why is a question psychiatric researchers are still exploring.

Here’s what we know: Certain chemicals in the central nervous system—including serotonin, norepinephrine, and gamma-aminobutyric acid—are responsible for managing feelings of anxiety, stress, and fear. They activate the amygdala, the almond-shaped tissue inside each cerebral hemisphere, which controls emotions. Scientists hypothesize that people with anxiety disorders have a heightened amygdala response to external cues, insufficient chemical modulators in the brain, or a combination.

Anxiety has a biochemical component, but no one thinks it’s simply a brain circuitry problem. It can be triggered or exacerbated by a number of other factors, including stress and trauma, substance abuse, certain medications, or childhood separation. Experts say genetic vulnerabilities also play a role, and emerging research suggests anxiety disorders can be inherited and passed down from generation to generation.

Anxiety disorders also tend to co-exist with other mental health conditions, including depression, bipolar disorder, and chronic substance abuse, making the challenge of diagnosing and treating people with anxiety that much more complex. If you think you have or are at risk for another condition related to your anxiety, it’s important to share that with your practitioner. So-called “comorbidity” can make your symptoms and quality of life worse, and treating both can lead to more successful outcomes.

Remember, there’s no shame in having anxiety, and there are many promising treatment options. You’re in good company, and researchers are discovering countless ways to manage and even cure this challenging condition.

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Back when Keesa Koomalsingh played basketball in university, she noticed a few irksome things. The lack of female representation within university sports, for one, but particularly the unfair treatment of her fellow women basketball players—they contended with subpar workout conditions, less money and resources than men and fewer opportunities to develop their skills during the off-season and after their varsity careers ended.

Koomalsingh, who is also known as Keesa K, had a successful university sports career, playing at Holland College in P.E.I. and Nipissing University in North Bay, Ont. After she was sidelined with an ACL injury, she started coaching young women with the Canada Elite rep team, an incubator program for elite basketball players that provides support on and off the court. When the pandemic shut everything down, Koomalsingh started thinking about how the sports community could close the gaps between youth sports and professional spaces. “I wanted to see more Black women in stakeholder positions,” she says, “and set a high bar for women’s basketball in Canada.”

Koomalsingh founded HoopQueens in Toronto in 2020. It’s an organization that works to make the basketball court a more inclusive space for women and girls of all ages and skill levels. Today, HoopQueens runs free workshops, a skill development program for youth, a scholarship for athletes, and an adult summer league.“We’ve created this ecosystem of support so that young girls and women stay in the sport,” says Koomalsingh. “Sports teach you a lot. We want those opportunities to be available to underrepresented young girls.”

Hoopqueens Handshake
PHOTO CREDIT: BRIANNA ROYE

We know that young women and girls are much more likely to quit sports than their male counterparts. The Rally Report, a 2020 national study on sport participation for Canadian girls, shows that 1 in 3 drop out of sports by late adolescence (unlike 1 in 10 teen boys) for reasons that include the poor quality of the sport experience, negative body image and feeling unwelcomed. Factors such as a lack of resources and funding for women’s sport likely also make a difference. The same study shows just 18 percent of women aged 16 to 63 stay involved in sports.

That’s a shame: Sports, especially team sports like basketball, provide space for socialization, contribute to a more active lifestyle, improve teamwork skills, improve self-esteem and have a positive impact on mental health. A 2022 report from Canadian Women and Sport found that 76 percent of young girls say that sports participation makes them more confident.

Veronica Jamnik, an associate professor at York University who studies exercise physiology for health, sports and physically demanding occupations, points out another benefit of a basketball league like HoopQueens: It’s great for mental health because you get so many opportunities to score. “Sometimes you’ll make shots, sometimes you’ll miss,” she says. However, it’s the ability to keep shooting leads to a sense of empowerment when you do sink a basket.

Then, of course, there are all the physical health benefits that come from shooting, dribbling and traversing a court. Object control and coordination also improve your cognitive function. “You have to make decisions [during the game] and control movements to make a shot or direct the ball,” Jamnik says.

Basketball is also a beautifully accessible sport. Unlike games that require equipment and a particular arena for play, all you need for basketball is a ball and a hoop. It’s easy, especially if you live near a park, to play a game of pick-up.

As women’s basketball surges in popularity in Canada, Koomalsingh says that seeing more women on the court will inspire others to get involved. “Basketball for women has always been around,” says Jamnik, even though it doesn’t get the same attention or support that men’s basketball does. “It’s a fun way to workout, regardless of your skill level. Basketball is great for everyone.”

Hoopqueens Take A Shot
PHOTO CREDIT: BRIANNA ROYE

The health benefits of basketball

First things first: Veronica Jamnik, associate professor of kinesiology at York University, encourages all players to warm up before launching into a game of basketball. Then you can reap the benefits:

Strong bones 
All that jumping to sink buckets improves your bone density, says Jamnik. This leads to stronger bones that are more resilient against osteoporosis.

Metabolic conditioning
Basketball involves a lot of fast, explosive movement—great for conditioning your aerobic and anaerobic systems. Similar to HIIT exercises, basketball has you moving intensely and then recovering actively for a shorter period.

Cardio gains
“Basketball is a very fast-paced game that puts stress on the heart and lungs, which is beneficial for cardiovascular health,” says Jamnik.

Cognitive coordination
Skills like making a basket, blocking shots, passing to your teammates, scoring a lay-up and running while dribbling down the court all require muscle coordination that in turn boosts your cognitive health.

A full-body workout
Basketball involves and engages your major muscle groups. Over the course of a game, you’re going to use your arms to throw and dribble, your core to stay stable and your lower body to run and jump.

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The concept of family boundaries isn’t new: The term first started gaining traction in the psychology and self-help field in the 1980s. It can relate to the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships—to safeguard our emotions and our time—and it can also mean assertively communicating your needs when it comes to healthy and balanced interactions with others. And, recently, boundary-setting has gone viral. There are countless Instagram reels, TikToks, articles and books filling our media landscape as what’s called “therapy-speak” that infiltrates popular culture. Going to therapy has been increasingly normalized, whether that’s from scenes in mainstream TV shows or the fact that a large number of us sought out mental-health support during the pandemic.

Many millennial and Gen Z adults lucky enough to have access to affordable therapy consider it a fundamental way to take care of their emotional health and general well-being, without any of the hangups that earlier generations might have had. They can converse about therapy and mental health in fluent terms, casually trading therapist recommendations and waitlist tips with peers. But when younger family members advocate for firm boundaries or drop therapy-speak into conversation, loved ones from other generations might still bristle, or even characterize it as self-indulgent. We turned to the experts to unpack the trend and explain why there seems to be a generation gap.

Setting healthy boundaries with family

Melissa Urban, author of The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free, firmly believes that learning to enforce healthy boundaries is a skill that can benefit all of us. She says the pandemic underscored the value of recognizing and setting limits.

“We realized—especially working moms—that work and home and school and kids and relationships and household management all bled together in a way that they had never done before,” says Urban. “We desperately needed boundaries in order to protect our time and energy, our mental health and our capacity.”

But a cultural shift was already underway before the pandemic hit, Urban says, as many of us learned more about advocating for healthy relationships (whether in the home or the workplace). Movements such as #MeToo influenced many women, especially, to take a hard look around, to speak up more often about social justice issues and to feel more confident assessing and vocalizing what is unacceptable.

illustration of people holding up smart phone

“Now they are asserting themselves in terms of taking responsibility for their own needs and feelings, and expressing those—in part—in the form of boundaries,” says Urban. “I think all of this has been fuelled in a really good way by the connectivity of social media.” People who have grown up online tend to find speaking to a general audience less vulnerable than talking to someone in their own life, she adds. It can feel easier for them to tell TikTok about their mental-health struggles than it can be to tell their own parents.

Social media algorithms have also played a role. Once someone is interested in a topic—such as boundaries—they’ll start to see more content about the same topic on their feeds, she adds. And the more they become a part of these online communities and see others destigmatizing certain topics and offering support, the more they feel empowered to take action.

But there’s a problem: The boomers in their life are not always on the same page (or fed the same algorithms). If a millennial tells an older family member, for example, that their behaviour is overstepping or too demanding, that family member may respond that the millennial is unappreciative of their efforts or is acting selfish.

Meanwhile, Gen Xers tend to fall somewhere in between. Some people lean more toward a millennial mindset and others identifying with the older generation. What’s clear is that differing expectations—whether it’s about time spent together, grandparenting roles, finances or input on life choices—can leave everyone feeling frustrated and hurt.

Take Sarah Jennings.* From the time she was a child, she found that her mother was over-involved in her life, with those very blurry boundaries continuing as she grew into adulthood. But, she says, she never addressed it until she was in her late 40s and a busy mom of three. During that time, her boomer parents’ expectations about receiving a phone call every day—as well as their habit of making daily unannounced visits to her family home—became too difficult to ignore.

“It caused problems in my marriage. My husband was like, ‘Why is your mother here again?’” says Jennings. “But when she doesn’t get her way, she pouts and there are temper tantrums.”

Eventually, Jennings stopped the daily calls, and in retaliation, her parents gave her the silent treatment for a while. She also moved a few towns away, which made those unplanned visits less frequent.

Janet Setrakian,* a baby-boomer grandmother in her early 70s with adult daughters in their 30s and 40s, also clashes frequently with her daughters when it comes to setting boundaries. She believes this is mostly due to social class divides: how she grew up (with financial instability, as the oldest daughter born to a single mom raising five kids) versus how she raised her daughters (solidly middle-class, in a university-educated nuclear family of four).

While her adult millennial daughters want her to accept, in general, that it’s okay to put yourself first and be assertive about what you need in your life—and what you don’t or can’t tolerate, capacity-wise—Setrakian finds that difficult to put into practice, especially when it comes to long-standing family dynamics with her financially insecure adult siblings. It would seem cold-hearted to avoid or cut out problematic relatives, she says, or even just to choose not to spend holidays or vacations with them. She’s had a lifetime of learning to accommodate or work around the challenges of family members with frequent marital drama, mental-health and substance-use issues and unpredictable life decisions.

To her, this is what family means: always being there for each other, no matter what—even if it’s a rollercoaster of emotions. Meanwhile, her adult daughters argue that it isn’t healthy for her to constantly absorb and oblige her siblings’ problems. They urge her to prioritize some stress-free leisure time apart from her extended family.

(Related: How to Avoid Family Conflict This Holiday Season

an illustration of two people talking about how to set boundaries with family

Generational views on mental health

Setrakian points out that while so-called “healthy boundaries might be top of mind for educated, upper-middle-class people, they may be of little value to people who experience more financial struggles, like her relatives. “Yes, the tensions are there, but these families are not spending a lot of mental energy on boundaries,” she says. “And so many people can’t afford therapy like this. Even if they did, I doubt that ‘boundaries’ would be on the top of their list of traumas to mitigate,” she adds.

The reality, she says, is that many families need one another in order to survive. “They’re relying on family connections for childcare, or short-term help with cash, or emergency housing.”

Setrakian admits that her skepticism over the importance of boundaries is likely consistent with others in her generation. “I realize that this response looks like a typical defensive boomer perspective,” she says. “And yes, ‘therapy-speak’ is a total turnoff to me.” But, she adds, she can’t shake the perspective that there are much bigger problems in the world to focus on than pop-psychology self-improvement tips.

“When older generations were children—if they were raised in authoritarian households—their emotional needs were not deemed to be as important as survival needs,” says Victoria Kulchytska, a registered social worker with Peachey Counselling and Family Support in Burlington, Ont. People who had lived through the Second World War or who had experienced poverty had priorities that were more survival-focused, she explains.

Many boomers carried forward this tough mindset, and a “my house, my rules—whatever I say goes” parenting philosophy, into their own adulthood. Unused to questioning their parents while growing up, these boomers may struggle with a younger generation that advocates for their needs, Kulchytska says.

This can play out in the workplace. For example, when a millennial or Gen Z person speaks up about unfair treatment or harsh working conditions—something a boomer might have quietly endured for decades and has grown to accept. It can also manifest within an extended family when an older relative tolerates toxic or taxing behaviour from an adult sibling, and, like Setrakian, disagrees with characterizing this tolerance as “enabling.”

Kulchytska says some people of younger generations who grew up with authoritarian parents may have felt invalidated or criticized in childhood. “Millennials—especially girls—may not have had the chance to learn how to communicate and enforce healthy boundaries and needs, so they might have developed coping mechanisms such as people-pleasing,” she says. They’re learning about healthy boundaries later in life, as adults (often from social media).

Why setting boundaries is so important

If applied properly, boundaries can create new behaviour patterns without worsening, or severing, relationships, experts say. In fact, firm boundaries can strengthen those relationships.“Boundary-setting is a fundamental life skill that we aren’t taught in school. It’s not often modelled by our parents and we’re certainly not taught it in the workforce. But it brings benefits into every area of our lives,” Urban says.

That includes everything from reducing anxiety and resentment to protecting time and energy, she explains. Setting boundaries can also help people preserve relationships by giving them the opportunity to be honest and open about how they feel, instead of quiet resentment or avoiding interactions altogether. Doing so can even lead to ripples of change throughout the entire family. “Very often you can be the changemaker […] so everybody sees more clearly how they feel, and is more respectful of everybody’s limits,” Urban says.

As an example, Urban points to a grandmother who once emailed her with pride about how she successfully set boundaries with her adult daughter around babysitting. “[The daughter] was using her mother as free babysitting at any time, because she’s retired and the daughter assumed she didn’t have anything better to do. But the mother has hobbies, and sometimes she’s not in the space where she can hang out with the kids for hours,” Urban says.

Finally, the mother had a conversation with her daughter. She told her that while she loves spending time with her grandkids, she would like to be asked if she’s available to watch them before they’re dropped off without notice. “She was really nervous to have that conversation, but it went well,” Urban says.

How to gently set boundaries with family

1. Timing is key

“First and foremost, the discussion needs to happen outside of a conflict. It will not work as well during conflict. There needs to be time for both parties to feel calm and regulated to talk about it,” Kulchytska says. If every time you go to your mother’s house you get upset because she asks when you’re planning to have a baby, for example, it’s perfectly acceptable to draw a boundary around discussing it before the scenario comes up. “Call ahead of time, and say, ‘Hey Mom, I can’t wait to see you for dinner. Listen, I need you to know that I would like you to stop…’

2. Give them the benefit of the doubt

When it comes to setting boundaries around receiving advice or discussing certain topics, it’s common for older family members to feel hurt or shut out when their intention may have been to help. To remedy this, Urban suggests that they proactively ask questions like “How can I support you?” or “Would you like to talk about it with me?”

“It can go a long way in making sure the person on the receiving end is feeling supported and that you get to help in a way that you know actually makes a difference,” she says.

3. Protect your peace

If a family member ignores your boundary, re-engage, rephrase and repeat it. If that doesn’t work, remove yourself from the situation. Communicate the consequence of not having your boundary upheld, and then follow through. This is not intended as punishment, Kulchytska notes. In fact it’s about not participating in behaviours that enable a harmful situation to continue. This can look like: “If you cannot do X—respect my boundary—then I will do Y—I will walk away.”

“Boundary statements communicate your needs, and if another person cannot respect these, then what needs to be communicated is the plan the boundary-setter intends to take to protect themselves,” Kulchytska. The goal of following through on your consequence is not to influence the other person, she adds. Rather, the goal is to protect yourself. If it does influence the other person, then that’s a bonus.

Urban adds that it can be helpful to create a personalized escalation plan. For example, the first time a relative crosses a boundary you’ve already communicated, instead of storming out of the room in a huff, you might gently remind them to respect that line. The second time it happens, politely say, “Okay, I’m going to go for a walk.”

In subsequent interactions, communicate that you’ll have to further change the way you engage with this person. Lastly, the final step could be to lessen the amount of time you spend together. “Knowing that you are responsible for holding your boundary can feel empowering, and avoids you feeling as though you need someone else to do something in order to uphold it,” Urban says.

Illustration of family looking at a woman holding food

How cultural differences affect boundaries

Kulchytska notes that in her experience, members of immigrant families from collectivist cultures sometimes have a harder time setting personal boundaries. “Due to their socialization and upbringing, putting their own needs first on the priority list may be traditionally viewed as selfish,” she says.

Zara Jawad,* a millennial immigrant and young mother, knows that feeling well. She experienced years of anxiety trying to juggle her household responsibilities while studying to bring her foreign credentials to Canada. On top of this, she had difficulty meeting the intense expectations of her husband’s large extended family. Jawad would say “yes” right away to every social invite his relatives gave her family—which could often mean several gatherings on a given weekend—and even preparing multiple meals or dishes for each visit. Once it started taking a mental and physical toll, she put her foot down as an act of self-care—even if that meant causing more family tension.

Jawad had to “unlearn”—or train herself out of—feeling constantly obligated to others’ ideas, plans and wishes. Today, she is slowly becoming more confident at standing firm in knowing what is best for her and her family.

“My priority with any family event now is asking myself, ‘Where will my daughter have fun?’ And I see how I feel: Will I feel happy after I come back from this event? Who am I meeting? Would it be triggering for me? That’s how I make my decision,” she says. She now takes more time to consider cooking requests and accepts them less often.

While Jawad admits that she wonders what her husband’s relatives think of her now, she tries to remind herself that it doesn’t matter. “I just couldn’t do it anymore,” she says. Fortunately, her husband saw how unhappy she was and has been supportive of her new approach. He checks in with her before saying yes to family plans and will speak up for her to relatives who might criticize her for declining an invitation.

When to seek help

If boundary-setting on your own isn’t working, seek a family counsellor. It’s important to do so before things get bad, says Kulchytska. Drawing that line can be more effective at preventing problems if you do it when you first start to notice issues brewing. “You’ll get optimal results because it’s still manageable. You don’t feel like it’s out of control…and you haven’t reached a breaking point,” she says.

Whether it’s a relatively minor boundary issue (such as an overly meddlesome mother-in-law) or a more serious problem (such as a relative with substance-use issues always asking for money), the principles of boundary-setting remain the same, adds Kulchytska. “When a person is used to be being a broken record restating the same boundaries and it’s not working, they would have to remove themselves from the situation to prevent more harm.”

Family therapy works best when everyone recognizes that they need strategies around boundaries and are willing to make changes. However, if there is a high degree of conflict, individual therapy to support the boundary-seeker is a better option, Kulchytska notes.

Jawad says that in her experience, you can’t go into therapy sessions expecting that others will amend their behaviour. It’s more about self-advocacy and empowerment. Then you’ll put a plan in place to protect yourself from their behaviour if nothing improves. Meanwhile, when family members come in for counselling together, rather than assigning blame, the counsellor will often focus on remaining neutral. Professionals know how to validate feelings, asking both sides what their needs are and trying to find a way to satisfy those needs.

In situations where there isn’t as much cooperation, the onus is placed on the boundary-setter to do the work, says Kulchytska. “Boundaries are about advocating and protecting yourself from the negative impact that the person might have on you.”

four books about how to set boundaries with family and friends

The best books about boundary-setting

For more expert advice on setting healthy boundaries, check out these newer titles, all released in the last couple of years.

The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free, by Melissa Urban 

Bestselling author Melissa Urban calls herself “The Boundary Lady” and has built a large following on social media and on podcasts for doling out self-advocacy advice to recovering people-pleasers. Her book, which came out in October 2022, helps guide readers to set firm limits.

$30, amazon.ca 

Designing Healthy Boundaries: A Guide to Embracing Self-Love, Building Better Boundaries and Protecting Your Peace by Shainna Ali

This resource by mental-health counsellor Shainna Ali was published in February 2023 and is formatted as a workbook with prompts, activities and journal reflections.

$25, amazon.ca 

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab 

This March 2021 release from licensed therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab is another New York Times bestseller and includes CBT techniques for anyone who needs a little help learning how to say no, or how to better deal with “toxic” individuals in their lives. She has nearly 2 million followers on Instagram, where you’ll find holiday-survival tips and handy self-assessment listicles. She also offers free worksheets and sells conversation decks and flip charts.

$23, amazon.ca

Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships by Nedra Glover Tawwab 

Released in February 2023, this book is a companion to Nedra Glover Tawwab’s first bestseller, “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” and focuses on dysfunctional family patterns.

$38, amazon.ca 

Next: I Worry About Other People’s Problems Like They’re My Own. How Can I Set Healthy Boundaries? 

One of the most influential people in a young girl’s life is her sports coach. In fact, a survey conducted by Dove and Nike involving 3,506 girls aged between 9 and 17 from Canada, the US, the UK, Germany, Italy and Brazil found that 79 percent of girls credited their coaches for their increased confidence.

Because of their impactful role, coaches need to know the correct language to use and avoid when talking to their team to help boost and maintain self-esteem. Research shows that teenage girls drop out of sports in Canada at twice the rate of boys due to low body confidence—but coaches can help change that, with the right tool.

Dove and Nike collaborated with the Centre for Appearance Research and the Tucker Center for Research on Girls & Women in Sport to create a free online coaching program called Body Confident Sport, which aims to teach coaches, as well as teachers and parents, how to boost girls’ confidence and promote their continued participation in sports.

What Is Body Confident Sport?

The program is split into two components. Body Confident Coaching is a free, online, self-paced course tailored for coaches, teachers and parents. It equips them with the knowledge and skills needed to create a positive body image environment in sports leagues, classrooms and at home. It’s composed of three lessons (90 minutes total) that teach adults how to facilitate conversations around body image.

The second part of the program is Body Confident Athletes, which takes place after coaches, teachers or parents complete the Body Confident Coaching program. Body Confident Athletes offers complementary lesson plans for them to teach teens what they’ve learned. The program includes three 60-minute sessions, which are to be completed over three weeks (one session per week). Through the program, girls can learn how body image can impact the way they view sports and how to treat their bodies with respect.

The overall goal of the Body Confident Sport program is to encourage young athletes to shift their thinking from “What does my body look like?” to “What is my body capable of doing and experiencing?” By reframing negative thoughts, girls are able to feel more comfortable playing sports and focus on how being active makes them feel.

Both Body Confident Sport programs are available in six languages and can be found at bodyconfidentsport.com.

Next: This Basketball League Is Breaking the Gender Barrier

Anecdotally, I suddenly know three people who’ve recently had rebound COVID after taking Paxlovid—the antiviral medication used to lessen symptoms and reduce the chances of getting long COVID, if you’re high-risk. Is it just that this terminology—“rebound COVID”— has caught on and people are sharing about it more, or are more people experiencing rebound infections because more people know about—and are taking—Paxlovid?

It’s interesting: The original studies that were done with Paxlovid found that a rebound [infection] after you finished your treatment was rare. And then as the world started using Paxlovid, you’re measuring tens of millions of people instead of the thousands of people in a trial. So when you have such a high volume of people, you start to get a much more accurate signal. And it became pretty clear that rebound infections were more common than what was identified in the original trials.

Have you seen a lot of these rebound COVID infections?

My experience is in infection prevention and control, so I’ve been very busy the last three years with the pandemic. But I’ve also had rebound COVID myself—in my own case, I was fairly sick with COVID. I took Paxlovid and I felt better within 12 hours. I found it quite remarkable how well it worked—my symptoms were almost gone. And then 48 hours later, almost to the minute, my sore throat came back, I started feeling miserable and I basically went through COVID 2.0 all over again.

And because of what I do for a living I was quite fascinated by my symptoms. When they came back, I was like, Wow, I’m actually having rebound—this is quite bizarre. I’ve never experienced this before.

So it’s likely it was the same infection, it was just suppressed by the Paxlovid medications temporarily?

That’s correct. Is it possible that you could have been reinfected? Sure. Is it likely? Probably not. Because what are the odds of you getting reinfected 48 hours after stopping Paxlovid?

Can you describe the normal course of treatment with Paxlovid? Is it like taking antibiotics?

It’s three pills at a time, twice a day—in the morning and at night—for five days. It’s actually two medications in the blister pack: you get one oral tablet of one medication [ritonavir] and two tablets of the other medication [nirmatrelvir]. You also have to start taking it within the first few days of COVID symptoms. With anti-viral drugs, the earlier you start it, the better. It’s very similar to drugs we give for chickenpox or influenza, like Tamiflu.

So why are rebound infections happening to so many people with COVID this fall and winter?

One of the thoughts behind it is that maybe the duration of the Paxlovid treatment isn’t long enough. Maybe it’s long enough for the majority of people—you take it for the prescribed amount of time, and it gets rid of the virus and off you go. But for some people, for whatever reason, the virus is lingering. And when you stop taking Paxlovid, it just comes back—a recurrence of the same virus. It’s just that it wasn’t completely dampened down. We do see that with many other viruses—that you can treat people with a prescribed course and not everybody will be cured by the end of that course. It might bounce back again.

Is there any indication of who will get rebound COVID, and who won’t?

No, I don’t know that we know who those people are, or that we can determine upfront who needs Paxlovid for longer. For most people, the prescribed duration is fine. Maybe there’s a subset that need it for several more days. We often prolong antiviral treatments for people who are immune-compromised, because we know they don’t clear the virus as well. But I’m not immune-compromised—so why did I have rebound COVID? I don’t think we’re necessarily able to predict that yet.

When you use the term “cured,” do you mean no longer experiencing symptoms and feeling better, or do you mean testing negative for COVID on a home test?

Because of the way we test for COVID, you’re testing for viral material, and you can test positive for weeks. We see that with lots of other diseases as well. My main area of clinical work historically has been tuberculosis, and I can treat you for your TB, and your TB could be gone, and you’re feeling fine, but you can test positive for tuberculosis genetic material for over a year. It’s there, but it’s not doing anything—so we see that a lot with COVID, too.

So if you take Paxlovid and start feeling better, how long should you wait before going back out into the world—to work, or school, or the grocery store? If you want to be a good, respectful citizen before rejoining society, do you need a negative home test? I think people don’t know what the rules are anymore, and some companies have changed their sick-day policies.

It used to be that across the country, different public health units told you how many days to stay home, and there was an actual order. And if you didn’t follow that order, you could get into trouble. Now, you’re basically left to your own devices. And the general rule of thumb is that you have to feel a lot better: You have to feel pretty much back to normal, with the exception that you can continue to have a cough (because that cough can last a long time).

For example, when I had COVID, I had a really bad sore throat, and I had aches and pains all over the place. Bad fatigue, headache and cough. If all of those go away except the cough, chances are the virus is gone and you’re not contagious anymore. So that’s sort of the rule of thumb that we use. I did continue to have a catch in my throat—that’s likely some lingering inflammation, more than anything else.

Do some people who take Paxlovid, and then get rebound COVID, wish they hadn’t taken it at all?

Maybe, but if you hadn’t taken it, you likely would have been sicker for longer during your first bout, and there wouldn’t have been a reprieve. Taken in the right timeframe, Paxlovid does work. And remember that most people do not get the rebound infection.

Do we know how many people do, percentage-wise?

In the original Paxlovid studies, if I remember correctly, they said rebound was in about 2 percent of people, but it’s clearly many-fold higher than that. It’s certainly not the majority, but it’s definitely higher than the original reports.

At this point, it’s all going to be self-reporting. There’s no requirement to report whether you had Covid or rebound Covid or not. So unless you’re in a study, it’s going to be hard to get an exact measure. But thinking of the people that I work with, I know of a few people who had rebound when they were on Paxlovid, which tells me it can’t just be 2 percent. What are the odds of that?

If you get rebound COVID, can you go back on Paxlovid again?

If you’ve gone through your package of Paxlovid, and you’re feeling okay, and then your symptoms come back, but you’re not in danger of going into the hospital, you can talk to your doctor about taking it again, possibly. But remember that ultimately, the societal benefit of Paxlovid is to prevent people from needing hospitalization. Now, let’s say you were a lung transplant patient and you took Paxlovid and got better, but then your symptoms came back again. If I were your doctor, I would be inclined to give it to you again, but that’s a very unique circumstance.

Can you tell me a bit about what qualifies someone for a Paxlovid prescription? Does it vary by province in Canada?

It does vary by province, and it’s one of the confusing things. The national guidelines came out, but each province can do its own thing, even including who can prescribe it. Where I currently live, in Prince Edward Island, a pharmacist can prescribe it for you. But that doesn’t happen in Nova Scotia. It highlights how when we talk about the Canadian healthcare system, we don’t actually have a healthcare system. We have 13 different healthcare systems.

Really, Paxlovid is for the people who are higher risk: those who have underlying lung conditions, people who are older, people who are immunocompromised. Where you might see a difference is that age cut-offs may differ between provinces. And remember the clock is ticking: If you wait too long, there’s no point in taking it.

What about the side effects of Paxlovid? I’ve heard people talk about experiencing a metallic taste in their mouths.

Oh yeah, that’s very real. It’s really the only significant side effect: a constant bitter metallic taste, and it actually gets more pronounced as you take it. By the fifth day, it’s pretty gross, but it’s not the end of the world. Otherwise, Paxlovid is actually quite a benign medication—the big thing is the drug interactions with any other medications you’re taking, so that’s why you’d want to consult with your doctor or your pharmacist first.

This interview has been condensed and edited.

Next: The Best Over-the-Counter Remedies for Cold and Flu Symptoms 

Butter chickpeas and potatoes is a vegetarian version of butter chicken, a popular dish for Indian takeout. The spices really warm up this dish, and the coconut cream gives it such richness. We love to eat this the night before a game, paired with rice. It gives us everything we need: carbs, protein, and a full belly.

Butter Chickpeas and Potatoes

4 servings

 Ingredients

  • 4 tablespoons vegan butter
  • 1 medium yellow onion, finely diced
  • 5 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 Tbsp peeled and minced fresh ginger
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons garam masala
  • 1 teaspoon ground cumin
  • 1 teaspoon chili powder
  • 1 teaspoon coriander
  • 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
  • 1 (14.5-ounce) can crushed tomatoes, with juices
  • 1 cup Thai coconut cream
  • 1 Tbsp light-brown sugar
  • 1 large russet potato, peeled, washed, and cubed (about the same size as the chickpeas)
  • 2 (15-ounce) cans chickpeas, drained and rinsed
  • Fresh cilantro, for garnish
  • Cooked rice, for serving

Directions

  1. Place the butter and onion in a Dutch oven or heavy-bottom pot over medium heat. Sauté for 3 to 4 minutes. Add the garlic and ginger and sauté for an additional 1 to 2 minutes.
  2. Sprinkle in all the spices and cook for 1 minute, stirring frequently so that the spices have a chance to cook. Pour in the tomatoes. Stir to incorporate everything and lower the heat to a simmer.
  3. Using an immersion blender, blend until the liquid becomes more like a creamy soup. If you do not have an immersion blender, carefully scoop the tomato contents into a blender. Pulse until smooth and pour back into the pot.
  4. Next, add the coconut cream, sugar, potatoes, and chickpeas. Mix well and bring to a boil for 1 minute. Then turn down to a simmer for 30 minutes, or until the potatoes are tender.
  5. Lastly, garnish with fresh cilantro. Serve over rice or eat it alone.

Girls Gone Veg Cookbook

Excerpted from Girls Gone Veg: Plant-Based Recipes by Athletes, for Everyone, by Toni Pressley and Ali Riley. Copyright 2023, published by Andrews McMeel Universal. Reproduced by arrangement with the Publisher. All rights reserved.

Next: This Zesty Shredded Brussels Sprouts Salad Makes a Perfect Side Dish This Winter

If you want to impress someone with a homemade healthy dessert (also gluten-free!), you’ve come to the right place. Using only natural ingredients, these peanut caramel candy bars are sweetened with dates and maple syrup instead of the corn syrup, refined sugar, and artificial flavorings of traditional candy bars. Cutting into the bars and seeing the layers is so satisfying, and that sprinkle of sea salt on top enhances the delicious flavors in just the right way. Make sure your dates are nice and soft, since they play a key role!

Peanut Caramel Candy Bars

16 smalls servings

 Ingredients

  • Nonstick cooking spray, for greasing the baking dish
  • 1 cup roasted and salted peanuts
  • 20 pitted Medjool dates, divided
  • 1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract, divided
  • 3/4 cup unsweetened and unsalted creamy peanut butter
  • 1/2 cup melted coconut oil, divided
  • 4 Tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1 teaspoon maple syrup
  • Flaky sea salt

Directions

Line an 8 by 8-inch baking dish with parchment paper. (Greasing the bottom of the baking dish first with nonstick spray can help keep the parchment paper in place.) Place the peanuts, 10 of the dates, and 1/4 teaspoon of the vanilla into a food processor.Blend on high speed until the mixture is crumbly but sticks together when pressed, about one minute.

Press the mixture into the bottom of the lined baking dish to form an even layer. Place the baking dish into the freezer. Now add the peanut butter, the 10 remaining dates, 1/4 cup of the coconut oil, and the remaining 1/4 teaspoon of vanilla to the food processor. Blend on high speed until smooth, scraping down the sides of the food processor as necessary.

Take the baking dish out of the freezer and spread the mixture over the base layer. Return the dish to the freezer.

Pour the remaining 1/4 cup of coconut oil into a small pot. Add the cocoa powder and maple syrup. Whisk well over low heat for about 1 to 2 minutes until combined. Remove the baking dish from the freezer and pour the liquid mixture over the second layer. Tilt the dish in all directions to make sure the mixture coats the entire second layer evenly. Top with a sprinkle of sea salt.

Return to the freezer until the chocolate layer is solid, at least 15 minutes. When ready to serve, remove the bars from the freezer and allow them to thaw for 5 minutes. Run the blade of a sharp knife under hot water. Cut the bars into 16 squares and serve.

Store the bars in an airtight container in the fridge for up to 5 days or in the freezer for up to three months. If frozen, allow time for them to thaw before serving (this can take up to 20 minutes).

Girls Gone Veg Cookbook

Excerpted from Girls Gone Veg: Plant-Based Recipes by Athletes, for Everyone, by Toni Pressley and Ali Riley. Copyright 2023, published by Andrews McMeel Universal. Reproduced by arrangement with the Publisher. All rights reserved.

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