How to talk to your partner about his porn habit

Source: Best Health Magazine, March/April 2012

Q: I know that my husband sometimes watches porn, and I want him to stop. How do I talk to him about it?

A: The topic of pornography can polarize a couple and, if you are not careful,create both interpersonal and sexual problems between you. I have worked with women who are threatened and angry if their mate admits indulging. My advice? First, quit taking it personally, and, second, don’t simply demand that he stop.

I can hear the women of Canada cry, ‘What? But this is a feminist issue! Porn objectifies women and I don’t want my man to support that industry!’ Fair enough. But the erotic film world has something for almost everyone, not just scenes your husband ‘shouldn’t watch.’ ‘Mild’ pornography, or erotica, can be enjoyed by women, too, and can bring couples closer together. In fact, there is erotica made specifically for couples, and made by female filmmakers.

Of course, certain scenarios may indicate your husband has deeper issues and may need to talk with a sex therapist’for example, if he watches porn and masturbates compulsively, or would rather masturbate than have sex with you. More likely, your husband views explicit sexual material for the obvious reason: to have a mildly taboo, but safe, sexual thrill.

If you’re still not convinced that women can also enjoy this somewhat guilty pleasure, it may interest you to know Queen’s University researchers reviewed a number of studies and found when women watched sexually explicit material, many reported that they did not feel sexually excited. However, the research showed that their body was responding to the images with sexual arousal’e.g., vaginal warmth and lubrication. (As for the men, most of them not only showed physical arousal’difficult for them to disguise even if they wanted to’but also admitted they felt aroused.) The experience of female sexual arousal depends on both the body and the mind. Porn may indeed turn women on downstairs, but they think it shouldn’t, so they turn themselves off upstairs.

But back to your question of how to speak to your husband about his viewing porn. Rather than trying to forbid him from doing it (how well would you respond if he forbade you from doing something?), take a different approach. Admit that your discomfort with the idea of him viewing porn is just that’your discomfort. Figure out what it is that upsets you. Does it seem like a form of cheating? Are you concerned about the type of images or scenarios that arouse him? Talking about this with him is a good entry point for an open conversation about your sexual likes and dislikes, and will hopefully lay your concerns to rest.

If you can’t get over your negative feelings, you might want to talk to a psychologist and get at the underlying issues. And at least consider the possibility that you too could benefit from some erotic material. Find something you enjoy, then watch it with your husband. Sharing a sexual thrill with the one you love can add the lovemaking to the sex, and the romantic to the erotic. Afterwards, share some popcorn.

Psychologist Cheryl Fraser, Ph.D., is a sex and relationships therapist. Cheryl teaches how to improve relationships on her CD Become Passion. Have a question for Cheryl? Tweet it to her @besthealthmag.

This article was originally titled “Ask a sex therapist” in the March/April 2012 issue of Best Health. Subscribe today to get the full Best Health experience’and never miss an issue!